Generally on this blog, I keep it light and upbeat but I'm having a little pity party for myself right now so if you don't want to hear it might want to skip this entry. You were warned....
I absolutely love being a mom. LOVE! It is the best thing that I've ever done in my life and my baby boy is the greatest blessing I could ever ask for. But being away from my him 5 days a week for 10 hours each day is killing me...I hate it. I want so badly to be able to be home with him. The time I got on my maternity leave was a huge blessing and some of the best months of my whole life. There is nothing quite like being able to see your sweet baby's face anytime you want to, being able to love on him as much as you want and knowing that he is making a connection with you. Its just amazing. Now that I am back at work full time, its really, really hard. All I want to do is be home with Steven. I don't want to be at work, I just want to take care of my baby. I want to be able to see him all day again and kiss and hug him as much as I want.
The worst part is I feel like I am missing out on so much. On the days I work I see him for almost no time in the morning because we are rushing around to get ready. I pick him up at 4 and by the time we get home I have approximately 2 hours before he is asleep for the night (and most nights he takes a nap in there too!). The worst part is that he is pretty much spent by that time in the day and is tired, crabby and generally unresponsive to me. It literally breaks my heart. It is so difficult not getting quality time with him everyday. He grows up so much everyday and I feel like I am missing out.
Steve is off work again. He's not laid off but there's no work for him at the shop he's at so he is at home. He's been home for about 3 weeks now. And I am so jealous. I know it sounds awful but I am. I can't help it. Steve gets to be home with Steven everyday if he wants to and I have to get up and go to work. It sucks...big time. I am so glad that Steve is getting to spend quality time with our son, for sure. This week, Steven has started letting Steve put him to sleep without a fight for the first time ever. That is a great thing! But also, it seems like Steven is pulling away from me a little bit and that is just literally breaking my heart. Usually when I come home from work, Steven gets a big smile on his face and instantly connects with me. Last night when I came home he just had a blank expression and wouldn't even make eye contact with me. When I held him, he just followed Steve around with his eyes and wouldn't even look at me. I swear I almost broke down crying. I feel like I am losing that intimate connection I had with my son and its killing me. I'm glad he is getting closer to his daddy, I just wish it didn't mean he was getting farther from me.
My mom told me that parenthood is wasted on the young because we don't have enough financial stability to be home with our kids and really get to know them the way their day to day person does. She said to me that she never got to be with me day to day when I was a baby the way she is with Steven because she was always working. I feel like that is happening to me and I hate it. I just want to be there for him everyday to see him grow up and I don't want to go to stupid work. I just know that pretty soon he is going to start rolling over and other important events in his development and its just going to kill me that I probably won't be able to see him do it for the first time. (I am super, super grateful for my parents for watching him and they certainly are the next best thing to us. I just want it to be me who sees him roll over for the first time!)
See, I said I was having a pity party! I know its important to work for his future and our financial stability but its just so difficult to not be there everyday. Especially with Steve's job being so unreliable there is no way I could quit my job right now. I have to learn to deal with it but for some reason it is just really hard for me right now. Trust me, if I could quit I would do it in a heartbeat. I really hope Steve can get a better job and we can have more stability so I can work part time in the furture but who knows.
Ok I'm done complaining! Promise my next post will be happier. Also, I know I am late in his 4 months update, I am working on it. Promise!
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